Tuesday, June 11, 2013
I think I need someone to talk to. To actually talk to, they don't even have to respond to anything I say if they don't want to. I realized over these past weeks that I don't really talk about my problems to anyone. That's because I don't have anyone that actually listens, my best friend is a crappy listener and even more shitty at giving advice. I'm here for people when they need to talk to someone, I give honest advice but I know when to shut up. I'm tired of my friends not listening to my problems but when I listen to theirs and give them my advice I'm apparently not doing it "good" enough. People judge me on my appearance, they say I look like a stuck up bitch but fortunately I proved them wrong once they actually took the time to talk to me. Every single one of my friends said that they were scared of me before we became friends because I walk confidently and I don't smile all the time. I just wanted someone to talk to, I haven't been walking on sunshine lately and yet I still don't show it and I still listen to what everyone else needs to vent about. I don't need someone but I'm sure it's nice. My life has made me fairly strong to where I don't need someone to vent to but I've been told that comes with a price. I hate talking like this because I feel like there's kids out there who have it so much worst and here I am yearning for someone to listen to me. Little old me. I will always be the girl that would rather listen than speak, I enjoy being her. I just want someone because everyone else has someone. I'll get over it like I always do.
Monday, June 10, 2013
I'm starting to think I will have a hard time falling in love. I can honestly say that I've never been in love with a boy. I really want to see what it feels like though, some say it feels like a happy overwhelming pain and others say it feels beautiful. I want to see for myself how it feels, for me and how I am I think it'll feel like I have someone who makes me feel like my stomach is constantly tied in knots, like their in my veins, like I feel wanted. ( I just ripped of 3 song titles. I know). But seriously I think that's exactly how I'll feel. Everyone says they don't know how I'm single because they think I'll make a really incredible, chill, and loving girlfriend. I mean I just don't care if my guy smiled at another girl and I wouldn't wanna know his phone password, I would surprise him with things that he said when he thought I wasn't listening or I would listen to his family drama or even help him give his guy friends advice on what to say to their crush. I would call him beautiful and tell him I love him to the moon and back, because I will. Or I at least know how i want to love someone but all I see is love changing people so I'm not sure. I push guys away when they get to close. I get REALLY nervous about kissing him, like I won't do it right. I get nervous when guys ask me out (which is why I'm known as a heart breaker), I reject them because It's like yeah I liked you once upon a time but now I'm bored and I have no idea why I ever liked you. THAT'S IT! I get bored to Fucking easily. I am a heart breaker. I will lead guys on, make them think I like them just as much as they like me when in reality I have my walls up and after I break theirs down I get bored. What is wrong with me? How do i have this fantasy about love when I'm completely and utterly terrified of love or even boys in general? How is it that I get nervous about everything when everyone around is telling me I have no reason to be the way I am? I'm not insecure, I don't know what I am I just know that I have to work on this shit.
Sunday, June 9, 2013
Why do I feel like I'm a 15 year old girl but I have no real teenager experiences to tell? I mean I have fun friends and if you were to see us you would probably assume that I've experienced the most but in reality I'm the sad one that's behind all of them. They've all done more, like a lot more. The other day I was watching a movie on MTV called "Thirteen", it was about this Thirteen year old girl who had a screwed up a life and was already experiencing WAY more than i ever have. Long story short she started cutting herself and she flunked the seventh grade. Point is My time as a teenager is running out and I have just about nothing to say for it. I can blame mostly my step mom for this, she kept me on a very short leash and always found out all the petty secrets I was keeping from her and my dad. Moving to Oregon will be good for me. I would love to start over in a place I've seen myself living since The Vampire Diaries and Pretty Little Liars. I love forests and snow and gloomy weather and I love to wear jackets. What better place to push myself to experience more than my dream place right? I mean I'm not saying I expect to live a Lifetime movie life but I want something I can say I enjoyed. I want a teenage life that's everything it's made up to be, you know without the std's and babies. I am going to replace my fear of the unknown with curiosity, starting now.
Saturday, June 8, 2013
It's like you start suddenly crying because your angry but then your tears turn into something more. I use to say that i don't like attention but then i realized, every girl wants attention whether it's for something serious or something petty. It makes me feel better to say that i don't like attention when secretly i just need it from the right person. I was mad when my dad said he wasn't going to give me my phone back for two months but then suddenly my tears of anger turned into sadness and it was like i knew I had screwed up and I should feel dumb for crying over something so small but I started thinking about every situation in my life that lead me to be where I am. It's like I have a 15 minute pity party but then at the end i feel like a stereotypical dramatic teenage bitch who has no reason to cry because there's people out there who have it way worst. Some people even might argue that i do have A LOT to cry about because my life was definitely no walk in the park. If you were to see me on the street you would never guess what I've seen and what I've been through when i was younger, that psychiatrist lady says i choose to only remember some things from back then and maybe I do because i don't remember a lot but what i do know is that I hate talking about it. I'm what old people say "content" with my life right now, I hate thinking about the past because i always remember that other people have it way worst. When I have any type of emotion it consumes me. Some people feel the rain. Others just get wet. The saddest kind of sad is the sad that tries not to be sad, I have to remember that I'm a fucking mess inside but it's better if i smile and say I'm fine because eventually it will consume me and every time i feel sad my brain will just say "She said she is fine. This isn't sadness, this is fine". I will get to that place where my sadness is replaced but until then I am Fucking fine.
Friday, June 7, 2013
You wanna know what i dreamed about last night? I dreamed about some beautiful young fabio bringing me the best gift on this earth. MY PHONE. I never thought i'd be one of those girls that can't last without their phone but sadly i am, i am very much one of those girls that has cell phone withdraws faster than anyone in a rehab full of recovering heroin addicts. I mean i just really want my phone back. I did everything on there. I just hope my father (who I am not speaking to until i get my device back) gives me my phone sooner than he said he would. I've been babysitting and watching Tom & Jerry with my nephews for the past 5 days. Cartoon network will always be the funniest thing in the world to me. I even heard it's what most stoners watch when their high to give them a good laugh. Do you think it's sad that I don't Mary Jane to make me hysterically laugh at a childrens show? I mean It's not like I'm immature because as my family says it i have "wisdom beyond my years" but i mean I'm still a kid that would love to experience certain things and screw up a few things that every teenager screws up. I already have the grades portion down, now all i need is to screw up a few good relationships and have some misadventures with stoners. I'm a quarter of the way there already.
Thursday, June 6, 2013
Okay. So i'm starting to get nervous about attending this new school in Portland. I mean i visited the school out there and it is completely different than what am i used to here in California. I mean In Cali the schooling system is pretty simple (prolly because here they don't give a shit) but i mean out there it seems as if it's straight out of some movie. High school Musical to be exact. The thing is I'm not even nervous about the potential threat of some insecure flock of Anorexic Sharpays accusing me of taking their bathroom stall, but i'm more nervous for finding the fucking classrooms on time. Like i said, here it's pretty simple, almost every school is outdoors which means small little lockers that no one uses and classes being pretty easy to find. There is no designated hallway for whatever class your in or a basement that has the art classes in it although we do have what we call "rape dungeons" which are the dark hallways couples go to ya' know....discuss geometry and shit but maybe they have those there. Anywhosies at this point the only thing i'm looking forward to is the beautiful tumbr boys that probably all attend Lincoln High in Portland, Oregon. Well that and the fact that i get to START ALL OVER.