Pity party. YAY!

It's like you start suddenly crying  because your angry but then your tears turn into something more. I use to say that i don't like attention but then i realized, every girl wants attention whether it's for something serious or something petty. It makes me feel better to say that i don't like attention when secretly i just need it from the right person. I was mad when my dad said he wasn't going to give me my phone back for two months but then suddenly my tears of anger turned into sadness and it was like i knew I had screwed up and I should feel dumb for crying over something so small but I started thinking about every situation in my life that lead me to be where I am. It's like I have a 15 minute pity party but then at the end i feel like a stereotypical dramatic teenage bitch who has no reason to cry because there's people out there who have it way worst. Some people even might argue that i do have A LOT to cry about because my life was definitely no walk in the park. If you were to see me on the street you would never guess what I've seen and what I've been through when i was younger, that psychiatrist lady says i choose to only remember some things from back then and maybe I do because i don't remember a lot but what i do know is that I hate talking about it. I'm what old people say "content" with my life right now, I hate thinking about the past because i always remember that other people have it way worst.   When I have any type of emotion it consumes me. Some people feel the rain. Others just get wet. The saddest kind of sad is the sad that tries not to be sad, I have to remember that I'm a fucking mess inside but it's better if i smile and say I'm fine because eventually it will consume me and every time i feel sad my brain will just say "She said she is fine. This isn't sadness, this is fine". I will get to that place where my sadness is replaced but until then I am Fucking fine.