Monday, June 10, 2013

Heart Breaker?...

I'm starting to think I will have a hard time falling in love. I can honestly say that I've never been in love with a boy. I really want to see what it feels like though, some say it feels like a happy overwhelming pain and others say it feels beautiful. I want to see for myself how it feels, for me and how I am I think it'll feel like I have someone who makes me feel like my stomach is constantly tied in knots, like their in my veins, like I feel wanted. ( I just ripped of 3 song titles. I know). But seriously I think that's exactly how I'll feel. Everyone says they don't know how I'm single because they think I'll make a really incredible, chill, and loving girlfriend. I mean I just don't care if my guy smiled at another girl and I wouldn't wanna know his phone password, I would surprise him with things that he said when he thought I wasn't listening or I would listen to his family drama or even help him give his guy friends advice on what to say to their crush. I would call him beautiful and tell him I love him to the moon and back, because I will. Or I at least know how i want to love someone but all I see is love changing people so I'm not sure. I push guys away when they get to close. I get REALLY nervous about kissing him, like I won't do it right. I get nervous when guys ask me out (which is why I'm known as a heart breaker), I reject them because It's like yeah I liked you once upon a time but now I'm bored and I have no idea why I ever liked you. THAT'S IT! I get bored to Fucking easily. I am a heart breaker. I will lead guys on, make them think I like them just as much as they like me when in reality I have my walls up and after I break theirs down I get bored. What is wrong with me? How do i have this fantasy about love when I'm completely and utterly terrified of love or even boys in general? How is it that I get nervous about everything when everyone around is telling me I have no reason to be the way I am? I'm not insecure, I don't know what I am I just know that I have to work on this shit.

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